The 1st Time

Left & Right!
Ever sit and think about how your feeling emotion & mentally and say "I would never wish the on anyone, Not even my worst enemy" and then I often questioned myself 'Why Me?', Its a bit like saying why not anyone else tbh! But the 'Sanario' slapped me in the face in two different ways, Sorry for the bad explaining :L
It hit when I found my 1st love. This was when it all starter. I realised I wasn't straight and didn't know what to do initially, so I went with the flow. His name was 'J' I guess you could call him every girl dream to a certain extent.I was just lucky. So in hindsight I guess we had a 3 year relationship of some sort. He would regularly come to my house and we would sit in my room chatting and end up kissing. But I grew very attached to him in the last 9 months, I think this is because he seems more 'Unapproachable' I guess is the best way to explain it. He has a girlfriend now and some way that doesn't bother me. Yes I know it is probably killing me deep down somewhere in side but I'm in denial to that, unlike some other aspect of my life.. Lol .. If you get me. I wish 'J' wasn't so in denial I guess thing would be more different! Fair enough I'd accept the fact he is 'Straight ' If he never made the 1st move but He always made, Always made it. I just went with the flow. For 3 years and now I deeply have emotions for him and miss him each day. Yet I cant look at him because I'm hurting.. :(  
"Why me?" I say. "Why not?" I say. I contradict myself due to my emotional confusing, But how could one have such an impact on another and get away with hurting Me. And the worst part is I ave acknowledged all his mistakes and I know there wrong and will only get worse.. :/ But if he walked in my door I do it all again. Time to detach I think.

My second issue came when I was bout late 14 or early 15 I had discovered my body in a certain way lol. I knew it was always there just never appreciated it and when it came to that time in your life where you go out to play with boys and girls ;) You then realize the importance of it and the view it gives people of you. I suppose in someway.?!. :L So That was okay, I liked everyone elses body but mine. I was reasonably chubby and wanted to change so that summer break that followed my decision I did. I went on a diet and in like 2 and half months Lost like near on 3 stone. Deffo over 2 stone anyway. :) I thought it was great during the process and I thought my life would get even better, But I never thought of the consequences. And I later be self conscious, didn't like leaving my house and also didn't like talking bout my problem to people. All I wanted to was loose more weight. And I took dramatic approaches in doing so, which left me in a terrible wondering state of mind. I did all this, literally bullied myself to a certain extent just to make others happy, but uh no more! Why do I have to feel like this? 'Why me?' I asked. 'Why not?' As I said before I wouldn't want my worst enemy to feel like this, but these emotions had to fall on someone and I guess it was me :/ However I fought the long and hard battle for a whole year, and with  the help of my friend I'm adjusting my life style and trying to let go of my appearance issues which are on my mind... *Wish me luck*

So I guess these were my 1st experiences of real life. Both Love & hatred have crossed my path and I'm wondering what next? :L I've obviously experienced a more emotions.. But It was my 1st time to really dislike my body and hopefully Ill grow out of this mind set. Also is my 1st time to blog. :P

Just like to give a lil thanks to my friend 'Daniel' for introducing me to Blogger :) Thanks x